Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Top Ten Lists Can Be Fun

Heath has known my family forever. He has observed many of the more absurd moments of my life with them. Those he hasn't witnessed, he's probably heard about at some time along the way. He suggested that I should make a top ten list of interesting things from my family. I thought this was a pretty good idea, so here it is. It's in no particular order.
1. Mom hid in the boat after being caught sun bathing the yard. Heath and I drove up after work to see my mom's backside going over the edge of the boat. Apparently that was an improvement over us seeing her in a bikini covered in suntan oil laying out on a towel. Let's not visit the fact of how redneck the act itself was. Let's just focus on the watching her wiggle over the edge of a boat on its trailer in the yard.
2. My great-uncle once lived in a school bus. He also had two televisions. They were stacked on top of each other. One was for sound and the other was for picture.
3. My uncle Teddy would peel grapes and put them up his nose. He did this more than once. Even the kids didn't understand why.
4. My grandmother has a three foot tall doll in the dining room. She sometimes changes it's outfits. Did I mention that the carpet in the dining room is ruby red? Yeah....she's a special case. I think she's a continuing disaster that you'll hear about from time to time.
5. When my dad was young they used to all pile in the car and drive down to south Georgia to go rabbit hunting. I say all pile in the car....I mean my dad, my granddad, my uncle, my great uncle (not the one who lived in a school bus, this was the one who's real name is Buddy), and several dogs. The car was some sort of four door sedan. In case you are wondering how they all fit, don't worry.....the dogs got to ride in the trunk. And the dead rabbits got the hump in the floor board on the way back.
6. One day Heath was sitting at my mom's kitchen table talking with her about nothing in particular. He looks up and sees writing on the glass shades on the ceiling fan. He stares and finally figures it out. In black marker, the word 'CLEARANCE' is written on every shade.
7. My mom gets several of these...bless her heart. I love her but she is a trip. One time she was yelling at me about something I did or more likely didn't do. In order to make her point, she picked up a plastic ketchup bottle and started banging it on the edge of the table for emphasis. Needless to say, the ketchup bottle eventually burst. Ketchup sprayed me, the table, the walls, the ceiling, and anything else in a four foot radius. By the time we finished lauging, she'd forgotten what she was yelling at me about.
8. My brother used to make my mother laugh to get out of trouble. One of his many 'gifts' to accomplish this was his ability to loudly fart at will. His poor daughters really are going to enjoy this talent when they are old enough to have friends over.
9. Speaking of my niece, she may deliver pay back to my brother. When she was two or so, he was scolding her for something. Rather than cry or run to her mother to get out of trouble she looked him straight in the eye and said 'Daddy, please don't beat my ass'. When he stopped laughing he had forgotten what she was in trouble about.
10. My dad is a strange man. One day my mom went shopping with her sisters and came home to find that he'd renovated my brother's old room. And by renovated, I mean he'd turned it into a closet. He put up two sets of those ugly white wire shelves all the way around the room. He moved his gun cabinet into the closet. He put his little practice putting green and his golf clubs in there. Mom just shakes her head.
11. Because 10 just aren't enough. Did I ever mention that my brother and my cousin would take turns pushing each other in wheelchairs at various stores around town. One would push and the other would pretend to be retarded. Think Leonardo Dicaprio in 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape'.
12. Speaking of my brother and the mentally challenged, for some reason retarded people make him laugh. Uncontrollably. While working as a farm hand, he used to give hay rides in the fall. Local schools would bring kids and they'd tour the farm. Let's just say the day the short bus pulled up, my brother probably wet himself. As he tells it, the worst part was not doubling over while driving the tractor.
13. My dad once replaced the diesel engine in his Coupe de Ville with a gas engine from a Delta 88. The Caddy ran like the wind and guzzled gas for years. The Delta 88 was planted in the woods by the tire swing and used for spare parts.
14. The aforementioned Delta 88's parts were used to build a small trailer for my dad to haul wood on behind his tractor (the tractor itself may be it's own story). He used a torch to cut apart the frame and spot wielded it as needed. He added wood sideboards and he painted it to ensure it wouldn't rot or get more rusty in the wet. He didn't have enough of one color to paint the whole thing so he mixed all of the paint he had together in a five gallon bucket and used that. The resulting wagon was a silver-purplish color. Very classy.
15. For my grandfather, fishing is serious business. Whether fishing in a boat or from the bank, he usually has at least six or seven rods set up on supports around him.
16. My uncle Teddy gave a snow globe to my grandmother for Christmas. It was one of those dated ones from 1994. Because he was giving it to her in 1999, he'd used a marker to make the four look like a nine. It wasn't the same color as the rest of the writing, but no one said anything.


I'm sure there are more. I know that I could keep going. These are just a few of the shining moments in my families history. Hope you've gotten a chuckle or two.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Another day, another........what was I saying again?

You know how some days start off kind of foggy or hazy and then clear up sometime around lunch? Today didn't clear up for me. My brain stayed all foggy all day long. Work, blah. Lunch, blah blah. Dutch-not-a-boyfriend, I can't gather enough energy for a blah. What's a Dutch-not-a-boyfriend or DNAB for short? A DNAB is a guy that I met at work that I've been known to go out with from time to time. He briefly had the possibility of being a boyfriend, but I think that ship has sailed. He's a nice guy and we have fun, but my enthusiasm has seriously declined as we've slipped from the making-out-on-the-couch phase back to the let's-hang-out-like-friends phase. Tonight we are supposed to have dinner or something. I'm thinking about canceling in order to go swim with the other large mammals at my gym's H2O aerobics class. At least after the class I'd be sore in that pleasantly active sort of way you get after going to they gym (or if you are not me and got well and truly laid).

Monday, April 25, 2005

I really should start writing this stuff down

Every now and then I see people doing things that are hard to believe. Often these people are relatives of mine. I keep thinking that someone should capture these events for the amusement of others. Maybe that someone is me.
Yesterday was particularly inspiring. I'm not really sure where to start. There's the whole niece in the playhouse trying to convince two boys (7 and 4) to play princess with her. Nah...that's too normal. Watching my mom chase bubbles with the grand kids? Again....that could be anyone's mom. Flying kites using an ATV. Now THAT'S something to write about. Let me set the scene for you.....
It's a windy, sunny day. The kids are running around outside playing and the adults are sitting in the metal swings enjoying the sunshine after a big Southern family dinner. In case you aren't Southern, dinner is actually lunch. Dinner as in the evening meal is acctually called supper. Don't ask me why. I don't get it either. The matriarch of the clan decides that the kids should make use of the wind and fly kites. Apparently the auction that she and my grandfather go to had a billion kites for a dollar. She's been giving out kites every Spring and Fall for a couple of years now. This year we get out the kites and go to the hilly front yard to start trying to fly them.
The wind is crazy and seems to change directions constantly so the kids don't have much luck launching the kites. The adults decide that if they maybe run with the kites, once they are good and up in the air the kids will be able to keep them there. My cousin, my brother, and my sister (smokers every one of them) run back and forth in the yard trying to get the kites up. After wheezing and coughing for a few minutes, my brother gets a brilliant idea. They have four wheelers. Big four wheelers. Big enough that my cousin can drive and my brother can sit on the back facing away from him. Fast enough that surely they can get one of these kites up into the air.
So there they go. My 6'2" cousin in his camo overalls, blue shirt, and Georgia Bulldog (sorry that's Bulldawg) hat is driving. Did you know that camo is the new khaki? I sure didn't but I see him wear with everything from plaids to stripes. My brother is hanging on the the back with a kite in one hand while the other holds on the gun rack. Yes. You heard me. I'm pretty sure that it was a gun rack on the back of the four wheeler. He is wearing jeans, work boots so old I think they may fall apart any moment, and a Dale Earnhart, Jr cap. The mouth full of Copenhagen completes the look. They head off across the catalpa field (that's another story) with the kite in tow. They would get it up into the air and then drag it through the trees in the orchard. When they came back they just had a few rumpled scraps of kite left. I laughed so hard I thought I was going to have a Depends moment. I can't believe that I didn't have a camera to get it all on film. That would have been like a Mastercard commercial. Priceless.